Creepy Baby’s So Confused

How DO humans walk?! Sitting down doesn’t even make sense.

It’s Still Staring!

Creepy Baby strikes again.

It’s A Miracle!

When we left Trader Joe’s today, Oliver saw an American flag flying over a nearby building.

I heard him say, “It’s a miracle!”

I asked what he meant, thinking he would answer with something about seeing the American flag meant to him, maybe mentioning Kullervo’s military service, or something heartwarming. Or I thought he would be amazed at the flag flying in the wind or something along those lines.

His response?

“Not a miracle, Mommy. It’s America!”

Well, at least he knows our flag.

Let Condemnation (and Literalness) Reign

Oliver told me today that he wanted to put on a show in the living room. He elaborately set up chairs for Hazel and me to sit in and turned off all the lights. I was excited to watch, and wondered if he would be dancing or singing or performing a skit of some kind.

So Hazel and I sat down, and then Oliver came and sat down with us. He said, “Don’t worry, I have, like, five thousand remotes.”

He then pointed an imaginary remote control at the cleared space in the living room, and said we were watching a show about kitties.

No skit. No dancing. No singing. No poetry recitals. Nope. My kid wanted to put on a pretend show.

Hell!!!

He is very excited about my car going to “Hell!!!”

Hilarious Neighborhood Sign

“Please keep your kid away from my window.”

I saw this sign on a neighbor’s window the other day, and at first I thought it was ridiculous of them.

Then I realized that the window is behind a closed gate, so some parent or caregiver is letting their kid into people’s yards and basically trespassing, and those kids are knocking on windows.

Even better-I am pretty sure I can guess which neighborhood kids this is referring to. (Nope, not mine. I value my privacy and teach my kids to value others’.)

Today’s Oliverism/Hazeliloquy

Oliver and Hazel were arguing over a toy, and Oliver got mad, and said, “Hazel!  Go to Time Out!”

Hazel, who has never been sentenced to time out, walked dutifully over to the time out corner and sat down.

… I had to have a conversation with Oliver about how he doesn’t get to be the boss of Hazel, and certainly doesn’t get to send her to time out.  I am pretty sure Hazel was just excited to finally get some punishment around here.

Good Vibrations

Funny story at Conner’s expense (note that if you are easily scandalized, turn away now before it’s too late!):

As Conner recently graduated from law school, I got him three graduation gifts, one for each year of law school. For the first year, in which he undoubtedly worked the hardest, I planned a trip to the Poconos for two nights. Specifically, to the Champagne Tower room, which, if you look at it, is clearly designed for one thing only. (And the mirrors on the ceilings totally were going to freak me out, by the way!) His second gift, for the year of law school that he still kind of cared about, was a new pair of cowboy boots. They’re black and way hotter than the snakeskin ones that I hate. His third gift was a set of game figures since he hardly worked his third year.

Anyway, we planned our getaway to the Poconos, my nanny agreed to babysit, we booked our room and got an incredible rate. All was set. The night before we were supposed to leave, I was going through the bills and other mail that I routinely ignore, and found a summons to jury duty for Conner that I had left out since it was coming up. On the second day of our trip.

Conner called the number to see if he had to show up at all, and, of course, he did. We were so disappointed; we called the resort, and the rate that we had received for two nights was basically the same as we would pay for one night. Luckily, they let us cancel, because we would have had to drive for 5-6 hours to get there, and it just wouldn’t have been worth it. To salvage our one night, we still took the kids to their nanny, and we rented a Mustang convertible (hot!) and drove down to Richmond and stayed at the Jefferson Hotel. We had a great time.

The next day, Conner reported as required to jury duty. Here’s the thing though–he hadn’t emptied his bag from our trip. When he got to security, they opened his bag and he had to take out some… erm… personal, battery operated… toys. Totally embarrassing, totally scandalous, and when he texted me to tell me, I laughed for about 10 minutes.

Conner was put on a criminal trial, and the deliberations lasted into the next day. So, once again, Conner reported to the courthouse. And, once again… he had forgotten to empty his bag! To make matters worse (and even funnier since it wasn’t happening to me), this time, they made him take everything out and turn it on!!!

Buzz buzz buzz…

Gender Stereotypes (Sunday Oliverism)

As Oliver figures out his world, I think it’s normal for him to classify things into groups based on what he sees.

This morning at breakfast, Conner was singing a silly made up song, and ended it by asking Oliver if he wanted to go to work.

Oliver looked at him very seriously and said, “I am a boy. Girls go to work. Boys go to school.”

Elevator Embarrassment

For all the derision I feel for people who are incapable of using an elevator properly, I was properly shamed today.

At work, I was calling the elevator to go down… and pushed the up button. And didn’t notice what I’d done until it was pointed out to me.

Mockery ensued. I deserved it.